Saturday, April 17, 2010

Junk Food Argumentative Essay Draft 1

Junk food is any food that is perceived to be unhealthy and of low nutritional value. (Smith 2005) It embraces any fast food, instant noodles, potato chips, chocolate bars that raise the kilojoule intake. (Tran 2005) Indubitable the selling of them at canteen will generate more profit than selling of regular food do. (School News 2005) Nonetheless, it has caused health problem to children as well due to its high fat, salt, sugar and synthetic flavor content. This may lead to obesity which in turn causing heart diseases, osteoarthritis and some cancers in the future. (Tran 2005) Hence, it should be banned as the health problems are more serious cost that outweighs the advantages it brings. More than that, sale of junk food in school also will also lead to nutrition deficiency, behavioural problem and litter problem.

The sale of junk food in school can be directly linked to nutrition deficiency among youngster. The selling of junk food in school will make the children to have wrong perspective that junk food can be eaten anywhere whenever they like without any consequences. (Reynolds 2005). With junk food are readily available in the school daily, students may not get sufficient nutrients needed for healthy development and growth, reducing their learning potential. (The Food Show 2005) It is also shown that the nutritional value of food eaten by Australian children has been falling progressively due to the increased availability of fast food especially in school (Tran 2005). Moreover, the Dental Association also call for a ban in selling junk food in school as there is decline in dental health problem among children. (Tran 2005)

Besides that, the sale of junk in school will lead to behavioural problems in children. In order to enhance the flavor and appearance, most of the junk food contain chemicals additives and the consumption of it will cause hyperactivity and poor concentration among children. (Smith 2005) Hence, it indirectly declines the learning potential of children. (The Food Show 2005) Research had also shown that to improve children behavior, unhealthy food like junk food should be reduced in their diets. (Caputo 2005) More than that, with the ban of the sale of junk food in school, teachers notice that there is improvement in student behavior. (Green 2005)
Last but not least, sale of junk food in school will lead to litter problem as well. Fast food packaging is a safety and health hazard, causing pollution. (Smith 2005)

When junk food are sold in the canteen, the school will have major problem with litter such as cans, crisp packets, cartons and plastic containers and etc. This increases the cleaning cost and spoils the image of the community. With the ban is implemented, the will be reduction in litter and groundsmen will have more time to spend on maintenance project that benefits the school. (Green 2005)

In a nutshell, the sale of junk food in school should banned for the sake of disadvantages it brings. However, the banning itself is not efficacious enough as children may simply bring the junk food simply from their home to school. Hence educating youngsters good eating habit can make a different and schools play a major role in it through healthy food policies. (Tran 2005)

3 comments:

  1. There is a clear introductory sentence that introduces the subject matter and the controlling idea.

    There is a thesis statement given as the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. It is clear and connected to all the topic sentences of the body paragraphs.

    The paragraphs have sufficient supporting details and examples cited from the articles. The paragraphs are well-organised.

    There are no sentences or sections that are not clear.

    The conclusion manages to summarise all the main points given in the essay or restate the thesis statement clearly.

    The writer cites the sources adequately and appropriately.

    There are apparent grammatical mistakes as follows, some additional information is included too:


    1st paragraph:
    Line 3: ...potato chips AND chocolate bars...(there should be a connector between the two items..hehe)
    Line 3: INDUBITABLY the selling...(indubitable is an adjective, should be followed by a noun..hehe)
    Line 5:...food DOES...(subject-verb agreement..the subject here is selling which is singular..hehe)
    Line 5:...caused health problemS...(not only one health problem right???..hehe)
    Line 6:...flavor contentS...(not only consisting of flavor right???..hehe)
    Line 7:...which in turn CAUSES heart diseases...(subject-verb agreement..the subject here is obesity which is singular..hehe)
    Line 9:...health problems TRIGGER more serious cost..(in my opinion, the original sentence can hardly express the idea clearly..hehe)
    Line 10:...WILL ALSO...('also will also' one 'also' should be omitted..hehe)
    Line 11:...BEHAVIOURAL AND LITTER PROBLEMS...(I would suggest you to combine both the problems together instead of repeating the word 'problem'..hehe)

    2nd paragraph:
    Line 1:...nutritionAL deficiency...(erm...i'm not sure about this..)
    Line 2:...youngsterS...(not only one youngster right?)
    Line 4:...With READILY AVAILABLE JUNK FOOD...(I would suggest this one...the sentence structure sounds more right to me..)
    Line 7:...it HAS ALSO BEEN SHOWN...(I would suggest this one..)
    Line 10:...also callS...(subject-verb agreement)

    3rd paragraph:
    Last line:...studentS' behaviour...

    NOTE: There should be one line left between the third paragraph and the next one right..hehe
    'When junk food are sold...' is together with the previous paragraph right?

    Second last paragraph:
    Line 2:...health hazard BESIDES causing pollution...(the original sentence sounds not that smooth..)
    Line 3:...When junk food IS sold...(subject-verb agreement)
    Line 6:...IMPLEMENTATION OF BAN OF SALES OF JUNK FOOD...(I would suggest this one to be followed after the word 'WITH'...)
    Line 6:...THERE will be reduction...(may be it's writer's typo-error :p)

    Last paragraph:
    Line 1:...should BE banned...
    Line 3:...may bring the junk food simply...(repeated 'SIMPLE' in the sentence...)
    Line 4:...make a DIFFERENCE...(different is an adjective, difference is a noun..)
    Line 5:...schools CAN play...(I would like to add 'can' after the subject...hehe)



    The writer does comprehensively cover appropriate materials available from the standard sources.

    The introduction and conclusion have clear structures that directly address the question. Besides that, the case made is fairly convincing. Topics are sufficiently expanded and explained too. Points cited from the articles are well synthesised. All the relevant main ideas found in the articles are included in the text production too. Although information is drawn from all texts, not all the charts are being embraced in the essay. Finally, the sources are acknowledged consistently with the use of formal language. Well done!

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  2. comments are very well done. Comments are not only detailed, but also suggestive. Good job! keep it up!!!

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